[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
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“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Who does Amazon think I am?
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.