[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
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Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop