[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
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ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
My dog learned how to text
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.