Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
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[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
thanksgiving in nutshell
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose