@ddsmidt My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
@Brentweets Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
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@ddsmidt 
@torrami My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
@MrJeberling Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
@AndyRichter Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
@meladoodle Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
@ThisFlux Not messing around
@mrjohndarby cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
@Rollmaninoz Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
@DurtMcHurtt I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
@briangaar DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?