@Brentweets

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.

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@ddsmidt

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

@torrami

My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus

@MrJeberling

Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes

@AndyRichter

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

@meladoodle

Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…

@Rollmaninoz

Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh

Me:…

Cashier:…

Me:…

Cashier:…

Me: yep

@DurtMcHurtt

I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.

@briangaar

DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?