[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
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When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
won’t smith
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”