[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
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Muppet Screams
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this