[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
You Might Also Like
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
so weird how every mom was born today
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.