[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
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I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.