[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
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Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.