@EJGomez

[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT

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@ItsAndyRyan

[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*

@_SingleBabyMama

Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*

Guy: *stunned silence*

-Single Mama on a date

@DurtMcHurtt

[dinner at brother’s house]

“So where are the kids?”

Brother: I grounded them.

*spits out meatloaf*

@UnFitz

[blind date]

Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.

Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*

@zorgod

There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.

@permawedgie

Job interview

HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?

@galiamango

I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.

@skitzoette

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

@bourgeoisalien

Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.