[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
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This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font