[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
You Might Also Like
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
me and my fake scenarios
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.