[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
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britain’s three elite institutions
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
I already tried new things thanks.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!