[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
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My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me