*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
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If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird