[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
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If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
The “research” scene in every horror movie
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.