[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
You Might Also Like
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
it must be school picture day
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
The prophecy is fulfilled
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*