[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
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Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine