@StinkyGr33n

[Speed dating]

Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!

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@AmericanGent69

Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.

It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.

@handsock_butts

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

@shakenbakegurl

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.

@flashember

EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS

@Robinbuble

Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!

Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir

@yoyoha

Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.