[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
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Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
is this how new cars are made??
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Natural selection at its finest
Who says great literature is dead?
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*