{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Fluff me with a fork baby
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.