Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
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Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Look at this
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later