“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
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The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
#NeverForget
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”