*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
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I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!