Spell check is for lasers.
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Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!