spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
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Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
normalize having existential bread
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.