[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes

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[pulled over]

Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it

Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up


One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.


surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol


We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”


Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…


Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.


Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.


My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.


If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are


“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.