@jwomackou

[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes

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@CobraKeiser

[pulled over]

Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it

Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up

@OhNoSheTwitnt

One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.

@jzux

surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol

@_NTFG_

We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”

@AdamOPrice

Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…

@Thynebear

Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.

@PoliticalGroove

Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.

@rhysjamesy

My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.

@jojipaints

If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are

@HiddleDeeDee

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.