[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
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Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat: