spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
You Might Also Like
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
these two trucks have the same bed length
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’