[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
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Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.