[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
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I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go