[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
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Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.