[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
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BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away