[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
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When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
We’ve come full circle
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Smile Twitter, Smile.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.