[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
You Might Also Like
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you