[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
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Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
He-man has a Masters degree
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher