[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
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*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
I’m listening
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?