judge: your word is mississippi
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
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I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Radio: fifteen times
Radio: every hour
Radio: for the next six months
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Sub-Zero: Ok fine
Scorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*