[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
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[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
So true for me
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.