[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
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I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
socratic questions
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop