[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
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Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
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Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…