[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
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If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
finally found a reasonable question
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home