[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
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In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Smells like a challenge to me
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex