[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
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DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Saturday
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.