*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
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3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall