@VeganZebra

*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong

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read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

@DickScurvy

Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.

@TheAlexNevil

My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.

@bridger_w

Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire

@danteshepherd

ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon

@lovemydogduck

Dear Santa,

My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.

@Cheeseboy22

The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.

@AngelaEhh

It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.

@revbeaneeweenee

Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.

@jonnysun

LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea