[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
You Might Also Like
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.