[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
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Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Always a metermaid never a meter
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”