[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
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Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.