Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
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My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.