[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
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I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Lmaoo 😂
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.