[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
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“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.