[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
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Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
LMAO.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber