[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
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Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home