[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
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Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Grandmother clock.
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Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.