[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
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If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.